A whole story.

First of all, it's true that I haven't get over with you yet. I can't but I will. Even if I'm not willing. I remember what I said to you. I will do anything for you. I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. I will do whatever to get you back. I'm tired of crying and trying. I know I'm not giving up and deep down I'm not prepared to lose you. You told me to leave and forget about you, I will.

Let me tell a story. Direct from my diary.. Every single detail about us. From the beginning. You came into my life when I was already disappointed in guys. I wasn't looking for any guy. The first time you caught my eye. I was having my break at work with a friend of ours, Kimkim and it was the first time I saw you. At TDR. You look very decent and cute with your spectacles on. After work, Kimkim and I decided to eat supper at the Mcdonald's at Clark quay and he asked you to tag along. I start the conversation first. I ask what is your name and where you live at. You replied. Your name is Aizat and you are staying at Buona vista. So I told Kimkim if he's not around, I shall go to work with you. You were the few friends I made because I was new there. I just knew you and suddenly, you ask for my number. I was shocked. That quick I asked in my heart. I looked at Kimkim and I looked at you. I asked to myself. Should I give or not. I was really playing hard to get as I didn't want to get any more heart breaks. I told myself, to treat you just as a friend not more than that and I eventually gave you my number. It wasn't easy for a guy to get my number. The next day you asked me out to Vivo city. Fortunately, that day I didn't have any plans so I agreed to go out with you. It was a so called 'Ice-cream date'. I didn't fall for you yet though but the moment we sat down together to drink, you blinked your eyes. And yes, I fell for that. You blink your eyes like a kitten. I kept staring at you. ._. That day I shared to you about my previous relationship lives and heart breaks. 

Till one day which fell on 21st January, most of our MBS friends asked are we dating? I told them, No, we are just friends and I told them I wasn't sure if you're dating me. They told me to ask you. It all began near Avalon by the bay. Pass midnight on 22nd January, I asked you 'Are we dating?' You said 'Yes.' I was happy but at the same time I feel scared what if I get too attached to you and one day you might leave me just like those two guys that broke my heart which is your circle of friends. Until one day, my thoughts were true. You said that we should only be friends. I was stressed up. What did I do till guys leave me? I kept thinking about you even when I was at work. Never did I ever drop glasses of drinks in front of the guests but that day I did. I was in a mess. I called you and told you about what happened that day. You came to meet me and you look at my situation. You look into my face with so many things in my mind and you said you want to date me back and we were together as per normal. One day, I got to meet your mum, Aunty Aidah at Changi airport to send you. You went on a holiday to Thailand with your friends. I realised my love towards you became stronger each day when you wasn't there with me. I cried and waited for your call. Till one day, I receive a call from you. You were really pissed off because everyday when you were at Thailand, you tried to call me but can't get through. You really miss me. I know that. Some thing happen one day. I know it happened because you kept thinking about us and you were too stressed up. I regretted doing that to you. All I wanted from you was attention but I didn't tell you straight. I let you think and you think too much till you were in a bad condition that's where I can see that you really love me. I was so worried looking at you in that state. After what happened you still put a smile on your face for me.  I still love you too and the way you are. One day, on 20th March, you finally said 'From today onward, we are officially together.' I said to myself again I hope I won't lose hope on you. Believing, trusting, loving and understanding you at every point of time.

Unfortunately, on 13th of April, 8 days before our 1st month we broke up.. We patch up 4 days before our 1st month which was on 17th of April. Argued. Problems after one another. Just small problems became bigger. We broke up again. 9 days before our 2nd month falls on 12 of May. I never fail to give up but you don't want to. One month pass, I still can't move on. I think of you till one day I gave you a big green board saying I'm Sorry Aizat, pictures of us together, things that you gave me, things that's been a symbol of what we did together and letters. I placed it outside your house. Knowing that you don't want to meet me again and we are not talking.. In the letter, I wrote a note for you to give me a message once you received that. I was scared to hear the outcome but I was prepared. You said you are not going to accept me back as your girlfriend but just as a friend. I was relieved. At least we are still in talking terms and friends though. Slowly I had move on but still love you. Two weeks later, I made friends with this guy. I admit I liked him. We went on a date and the funny thing is you followed. You were there asked me for a hug and a kiss. I was confused. I asked to myself why you wanted that when we already broke up and your decision was final. Even on my second date with him, you wanted to meet me first to accompany you to buy your school shoes. I don't understand why you did that. Maybe after you saw both of us were too close, you confessed that you  still love me and wanted me back in your life. I told you to give me time to think. I talked to my close friends, Naaziyah and Sarah. They told me to pick the one I love not the one I like. So I think thoroughly about it, you are actually what I want. I chose you over that guy. Yes, you're the one I fell in love with. 

We broke up again on the 20th of September. It all started because of me. I didn't trust you at all and I wanted time-out. I keep blaming you for the mistakes you did previously. You didn't assure me enough that you are not going to do the same mistakes. I kept crying every night but every time I meet you there's something about you that makes me want to smile even when we argued. You are the only one who can make me smile and makes my heart beats like a stick beats the drum every time you pass by me. I see you, I see love. Never want to argue but at times I say harsh words and just want to show you I am really angry. You see, I can't be too angry too long with you. I want you to comfort me and I want your attention badly. I am alone. I don't receive anyone's attention that's why I want it from you badly. I wanted time-out and be alone. I know you love me but it's as if I'm hurting myself. I love you too but I don't trust you. I want you to be with me longer. I just need time-out. I pleaded you for that. Just for one day. I know every guys will leave a girl who ever shouted at them before. That was my biggest mistake. You were the first guy I shouted at. You don't understand the part where I get a lot of heart breaks and you left me for good. If only I didn't ask for time-out. I think we will stay together but I'm not ready to trust you fully like before. That was the only reason I left. I can't stay if I don't trust you. I know it need to stop accusing you for things that you are not doing anymore. I know you've changed. You are willing to stay and make me to trust you but I just can't. I didn't mean to leave you and go out with other guys or break your heart. My feelings were worst. I needed time and space for myself but you gave me two options. It's either I stay or leave. I love you though but I need to trust you first. Our mistake were to rush back together and I wasn't prepared to be in a relationship because of trust issues with you and neither I was prepared to lose you again after time-out. I love you all my heart and there wasn't any space left for anyone.

Sometimes you don't realise what you said, do and things you did when you are angry or sad. I was too angry that you cancel our meeting to celebrate your birthday that night. At the moment of anger and disappointment. Shouted at you and make you feel ashamed in front of all of our friends. I admit it was my fault that day. As a girl, I know I shouldn't do that. Till now, if I can rewind back the time, I don't want to lose you. I stayed if the situation end up to be worst then it looks like. A week later, I went on a date with one of our friend. To forget you, I make him as a rebound. No matter what I tried to do to forget you, I can't. Love is still not fading away. A month later, my grandmother, my mum and your mum told me to apologise to you on what I did. I was partly ego. Yet I listened to them and text you. Since then, we were in good terms. Told you I wanted you back. I wanted to go out with you again and spend our time together but  you refuse to. Since then I know I irritate you and annoy you. I really misses you very very much. Tweets that I tweeted when I was in a relationship with that guy was only because I wanted to make you feel jealous. I still can't forget you and the love is still there. Not fading at all. I'm honest when I said I still love you and miss you. I don't mean to haunt you and stop you from moving on..

I haven't get over with this yet. I still need an explanation. I was confused on what you said to me when we were in good terms. Still meeting me and did the same thing like as if we are still in a relationship. All of a sudden you went silent and you starting to ignore my calls and my text. I don't understand what I did till you did all that to me. You said I annoyed you and you feel irritated at the same time. Gave you those text messages and calls. I was too disappointed. Recently, you told me to do whatever it takes to forget you and you said never say you can't. If leaving you makes you happy, I will do it. At the same time, I know I am the one who suffer. I can never stop myself from reading your tweets everyday, looking at your tweets with others girls and feel jealous. I didn't have any intention to say harsh words to you after that night. Your words was really harsh. I hope you'll be happy.

Problems after one another.

Problems hit me all at once. I know I'm strong to face this. That's the reason why god gave me all this problems at once. I've talked this out to my close friend Sarah Omar. She gave me good advise and she had gone trough what I'm going through right now. I know I need to deal with this problems first or it will just haunt me over and over.. The thing is I can't find a way to solve this problems. I've tried. I've tried talking to this people but they don't seem to make an effort to understand and to try to get along back to me like they use to.. Now I left with only one option. Not a good one. It won't solve this problems. I force myself to not think about this problems. When I think about it, it's either I cried or I ignore. I'm tried of crying everyday. I tired of thinking about my problems.

I don't want to sit at home and keep quiet all day long. Tweeting, smoke, eat, tweet again, watch movies, still facing the same problems everyday. Others ask me, how do I face all this? Like me tell you, I always ask to myself and god. Why is all this happening to me? Was it my fault? I had to ignore those thoughts because I still don't know what was the reason. Some people said, cry. Cry all you want. Just let out your feelings. Yes, after I cry. I already let out some feelings. Not all.. Then I get tired. After that I tweet about it and go to bed. I get tired after crying. What was I suppose to do? They ignore me and I ignore them too? I shall give it a try. Give what they want. Everyday living with the same problems. Thanks to Sarah. I got her every night listening to my problems.

Last one.

There's too much that I've put for the previous relationship. Now it's already mid October, I wish for something else. Maybe a person who can really love me and wouldn't hurt me. Or something that can make me busy. Busy enough so that I can forget about the longest relationship that I've been through. I had enough of the shit that I had to hide behind the tears and scars that leave with me. Thank god it is over now although the feeling is still there. I just want to get over and done with it. Not wanting this to happen between us but I think this is the best. Just letting out what is left behind. When you want me, you tried hard. Once you got me, you don't care. Before we were still in good terms maybe? That's how I think. I still wanting to celebrate your birthday even when we already broke off. After all the planning, you left me hanging. You didn't text neither you have the initiative to call me and tell me that you weren't able to make it. I was left alone at a place where I am scared of. To be alone at that kind of place is pretty scary. Especially to a girl like me. Instead of you come down, I had to go down at your work place to argue with you in front of all of our friends? I didn't wish that to happen but I was to tired to follow your ego. You weren't gentlemen enough to come down and fetch me. You were once my hero. I was too blinded by love that end with stupidity. I shouted at you to let go of the pain in me. Maybe your past may cause you to do all this to me. But why am I the person? Have I been giving you problems? That day was meant to be special. A day to spend part of celebrating your birthday. I know that it was a mistake to throw the present at you. I can't help it anymore. I was in a total anger. Since then, you don't exist in my life anymore. Not even a birthday message was send from my phone to yours. Whenever I come down to that same place, saw you. Ignoring you.

Love

Love is kind, about making sacrifices and patient.  Love protects, preserves and hopes for the positive aspect of life.  Relationship is about two story of a man and women who is in love with each other. Understanding is part of the relationship. As well as trust, loyal intimacy, interdependence, honesty, care and concern. Not lies and dishonesty.

So here's my story, Me and my boyfriend dated for 3 months before we step into our relationship lives together. We broke up thrice and I almost feel like giving up but I really love him. How did I stay strong for this relationship more than my ego? I myself also wasn't sure about it.

I stayed because I really love him but there's too many things to care and figure things out on how trust him when he ever text other girls behind my back, looking at other girls even when I'm around and when I was looking at him? How was I sure that he wouldn't do that behind my back again? How could I keep this feelings and thoughts to myself? Even though he tells me that he love me everyday? I felt that this could make my feelings and love fade if I kept quiet and still trusting him even if he lies.

Lies, he lied to me about things he did. Promise not to lie but he still insist on lying. How can I trust him? It has been 8 months from we started dating, in a relationship, break-up thrice. I'd ever said that all guys are the same but.... if all guys would be the same why girls out there including me ever thought of finding someone else?

I'm going to keep my ego alive in this relationship because I think this is the only way to keep myself from getting hurt. He never think of what I feel, think and do. I tried my best not to cry every time but I'm forever hurt. Tried my best to avoid us quarrel but we are still quarreling and it has been every week once or twice. I don't want to give up but at least I tried my best. Let the actions do it now. I'm sorry.

One's decision

Life is truly fair I suppose. We can't always get what we want. Good things. Bad things that we try to amend sometimes can't change the way it is. 

You and me was categorized as the sweetest couple at our working place. We've gone through many up's and down's. I was the optimistic one. Solving and settling every of our arguments every single time. You and me also have split personality but understanding yours was a very difficult one to handle. 

You've change since we entered Institute of Technical Education and I can't adapt to changes that you've made. I realised that you don't really want me to be around you in school when I was the one who kept bossing everywhere you go. You did slowly avoid me. I didn't understand that part. I always think that you are the most sweetest guy I've ever met. 

"Boyfriend, do you realise that you're restricting me from doing the things that I like and the things that always do.. You asked me not to meet you and text you often during school hours, talk to you when I'm having my monthly menses and call at times when you're out with your friends. Dulu time kite keje pun mcm gitu. Ask me to behave at work and end up you are the one who start to be manje manje with me. Its true that I have split personalities, I am selfish and attention seeking when I really when you to be with me at times when I need you.. Anything that I do always not right to you. I think the best time just to text or call you during weekends. Itu pun if you're not going out."

You decide everything. You want break-ups and leaving me thrice. Yet this silly girl I guess which is me, tried so hard to get back with you.. You don't realise that I truly and sincerely love you. You never treasure them. You are indecisive and changeable. You can't keep to what you actually want; to stay or to leave, to love or to ignore.

I understand that you want peace and not to argue. You never gave me the chance. You didn't believe that I was trying to understand you.

All about Libra!
Romantic and charming
Easygoing and sociable
Idealistic and peaceable
On the dark side...
Indecisive and changeable
Flirtatious and self-indulgent
Easily influenced


While me; Cancer,
Emotional and loving
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
On the dark side...
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go




I never able to let you go.. Not once after we broke-up. Finding ways to get back to you.. Although you are not my boyfriend since then, I treated you like as if you were still mine. I know that I'm irritating at those times when I still feel attach to you and you tried to avoid me even when you clearly say to me that you are not going to patch with me back. I'm not desperate but I was lonely.       

I feel stupid for waiting, believing and making so much effort. I told you that I was trying to forget you, like you always wanted, to be friends.  Two weeks, I tried and thought that I failed but I almost manage to forget you and close my heart for you, that's when you came and want to patch with me back. I gave you time to change your mind during that whole two weeks but you didn't say anything. I could say that I really love to be in this single world back. Nothing that relates to relationship that I need to think about. 

I don't know whether should I pick you back or to give others who makes me happy, who still stay and wait when I was in a relationship with you.. I gave you time and chances, now I hope you give me time to make this decision. My own decision. No matter what decision I choose, I hope either of you could still be friends with me.